Category: parenting

Why Compare?

There are some things that moms do that I can’t quite get, like comparing.  Sometimes it seems like a big game to one-up the mom who told their little ditty before you.  Perhaps you’ve been part of  a discussion like this:

Mom 1:  You know what Junior did this week?  He threw out my new watch, the one I got for Christmas.

Mom 2:  Oh, I hear that.  You know what Ella did this week?  She threw the tv remote in the garbage. Good thing we’d just changed the bag!

Mom 3:  Oh yeah?  Well Robin tossed the new container of diaper cream into where?  The. full. diaper. pail.  I just left it.  Not worth the stench.

Mom 4:  Ha!  This one takes the cake.  I was wondering where my crystal coasters were going.  Turns out that Kaylee was chucking them out one by one.  I caught her the other day.  The entire set is lost now.

And it goes on and on. 

Sitting with a group of moms one day, this comparison game crept up.  One mom innocently mentioned something her toddler had done that week.  Not to be outdone, a second mom shared her similar story.  My turn was coming around.  As a mom of three, of course there was plenty to share.

Then I heard that Voice.  I knew what to share: nothing!  I remained silent, saying nothing, letting the other moms continue on with their sharing.  

The comparison game looks harmless on the surface.  It’s even a tad funny at times, to hear some of these stories.  Except it goes deeper.  Questions flood my mind.

Was my story worth sharing?  Was it funny enough?  Was my trinket valuable because of its sentimentality or because of the dollar amount?  Do they think I’m a bad mom for not noticing it sooner?  Did they laugh as hard at my story as they did with the others?  

Do you see where my mind went?  During my inner comparison game, I quickly grabbed onto the disadvantages; the negatives.

The comparison game is unhealthy and unproductive because I don’t play fair.


The Word encourages me to “fix my thoughts on what is true”.  Comparing myself to my peers doesn’t accomplish much.  However, choosing to set my sights on God’s standards improves my life.  Nothing I say or do can compare with that.
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What has your experience been, playing the comparison game?  Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

She Wrote Me a Note

She slid a paper in front of my face.  It said two words:

“Bad Mom”

I asked her why she thought I was a bad mom.  She grabbed the paper, hurrying to jot down a few more words.

“Your a bad mom”

Again, I wanted to hear from her own six year-old self why she thought I was being “bad”.

“Your mean”

If I can be honest here–the note didn’t bother me one bit.  A very small part of me was impressed that she’d chosen to write down her feelings, rather than yelling and screaming.  My girl was entitled to her view on the situation.  I chose to disagree without fighting back.

It was in working to be a “good mom” that she thought I was “bad”.

In my heart and mind, a good mom is one who stays consistent.  Who works through the obstacles to teach her children the importance and necessity of listening.  The mother who doesn’t ignore rude behaviour, nor tolerate cut corners with certain actions.  There are behaviours that are completely unacceptable for all age groups.  There was no way that I wanted my daughter to grow up practicing these habits and turning people off everywhere she goes.  That would be horrendous to her social skills.

That day, I refused to let her keep ignoring me.  What’s more, I refused to put up with the huffing, puffing and groaning when she was giving a directive.  There’s no need to stamp your feet in response to “please tidy up the living room floor”.  Especially when it’s her toys strewn all over the place.

Moms, don’t quit!  Don’t give up.  It’s conceding to the negative behaviour, the rudeness, the ignorance, that makes us “bad moms”.

When you’re trying your best and working through the hard times? 

You’re indeed a “good mom”.

How have you battled against the good and bad labels?

Riding The VBS Wave

Sounds like I’m surfing, right?  Well I am, kind of.

It’s Vacation Bible School (VBS) week at my church.  Tonight was night four of five.  The theme:  SonSurf Beach Bash.  Yes, it is as fun as it sounds.  There’s been a different focus each evening.  Meet Up, Look Up, Join Up, Meet Up and Fire Up with/to Jesus.  We’ve had a great turnout of 30 kids total.  My main job has been to tell the Bible story each night.  There were two presentations; one per age group.  It was fun to get creative with the story–and great to see the kids learning.

Being with other kids for an entire week is truly a parental aid.  There are things I’ve observed over the course of the week that made me reflect on how I parent my girls.  So, while all the kids were having a blast, this Momma was busy learning too, from a different angle.  I think that as a parent, it’s important to not attend these events with a closed mind.  You really should never walk around as though you already know everything there is to know about anything.  The way life changes, there is always something new to be learned; something that you can be taught.  If you don’t keep stretching and learning, then you’ll start receding and dying, I think.

Anyhoo, now for the promised video.  This gives you an idea of how catchy the music has been this week.

The Reason Why No One Told You

Parenting.  It’s one of those overwhelming lifestyle changes that you don’t fully comprehend until you’re actually immersed in it.  Lots of people are parents, but every parenting experience varies by family.  No one told you everything because what works or doesn’t work for them, won’t necessarily be the same for you.
I’ll go out on a limb and say that everyone makes a choice on whether or not to have a baby.  Many did not choose to get when or, sometimes, if even to get pregnant.  But once that baby starts to grow, the choice is then ours to either terminate or carry out to birth.  But rarely do I hear anyone comment that they want to become parents, in the deeper sense of the word.
The pre-natal/pregnancy stage is where, I believe, parenting starts to take shape.  A mother’s mood and attitude during pregnancy impacts the child in utero.  This is when you plan for the childbirth event and how the baby’s room will look.  You celebrate pregnancy and pray hard that mother and baby stay healthy.  You spend countless hours researching car seats, strollers, cribs, diapers bags, bottle vs. breast, diapers and many other necessities.  Many books are read to in preparation of child care and child development.  How to hold, how to bathe, co-sleeping, swaddling, diet, what to expect at various stages of growth.  But yet, there’s still more.
Once your baby is born/given to you (many people do adopt, after all) reality starts to sink in.  All that drama leading up to the delivery room and the perfect paint colour on the nursery wall starts to pale in comparison to what lies ahead.  There is a new little person in your arms that you are completely responsible for.  They are fully dependant on their parents.  For everything.  They can’t even hold up their own heads.  That’s a small indication of what lies ahead. 
Parenting is probably one of the most ultimate gifts of sacrifice a person can make.  It really requires you to not only love unconditionally, but to also do a deep self inspection.  If you have any deep, buried emotional, mental and spiritual scabs that have not yet become scars, now is the time for healing.  It’s not fair to your new person for its parents to project old negativity into their life.  You sacrifice personal comforts, such as hot meals and uninterrupted tv watching, in order to put your child’s needs first.  You begin to think of how your actions & reactions to everything look to your child, who is watching you in everything.  The relationship you have with your spouse is your child’s first lesson in marriage.  The relationship with the other parent (if unmarried) teaches your child how to respect adults.  The way you treat your parents, the way you keep house, the way you drive, the way you shop, the way you go out, the way you make decisions, the way you pray—all of these are your child’s first lessons. 
The flip side of this noble sacrifice is that parents (often mothers) tend to feel a loss of identity.  The great debate of staying home versus working outside the home comes up.  How do you remain true to yourself, yet give of yourself completely for your family?  Despite the varying opinions society suggests and offers, the only ones qualified to make the best decision for your family are the parents. 
Parenting.  It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.  

Grocery Shopping With Your Little Ones

I feel so honoured when my fellow mommy friends look to me for suggestions. What I do certainly isn’t spectacular or earth-shattering. It’s just a matter of developing something that works for you and your child. With that, here are some ideas of shopping trips with the little one(s).

–Make your shopping list the night before. Walk through the house, fridge, pantry, wherever else and note what you need to purchase. You’ll soon find yourself creating your list based on store layout. Yes, you will become that familiar with your local grocery store—ha ha!

–Pack your diaper back/purse the night before. Make sure you have your wallet, membership cards, change for shopping carts. Include a snack for your child. Also include your favourite baby carrier. This device is a must!!! Depending on your child’s age, also include a fake shopping list for them & pencil. Or a toy that will attach to the cart.

–Layout clothes the night before. Plan what you’re going to wear. Plan what the cutie will wear. Anything that saves you time the next morning is an asset.

–Wake up before your child. Give yourself enough time to get ready at a relaxed pace. Eat breakfast. Pour out the child’s breakfast. Pack your list in the diaper bag.

–Once baby’s up, get them ready in a jiffy, fed and head out the door. I’ve found that the fresher they are when we leave home, the easier the shopping trip goes. Plus, at a young age, you’re racing against the nap clock (IE: you want to be back before the next nap).

–Say a quick prayer before entering the store. It may sound funny, but there is a confidence in knowing that God is with you, even at the store.

–Upon entering the store, get comfy. Strip off hat, mitts, unzip jackets, etc. Plant a smile on your face and have fun.

–If you wanted to do any browsing, start with that. (IE: check out the clothing sections for cute deals, etc).  Be sure to keep your cart closer to the center of the aisle.  Those cute little hands can grab things quickly!

–Shop away. I used race against myself, allowing 1 hour to be in & out of Superstore. Just as long as you keep the cart moving, they’ll be okay. Sing to them, laugh with them. Look for teaching moments. My girls have learned that when there are people/carts in the way, they have to call out “excuse me, please” to get by. (Of course, we’re still working on volume control—ha ha!).  Teach them about price comparison.

–If they start to get really antsy at any point, stick them in the baby carrier. They’ll enjoy being closer to Mommy and getting a new perspective on the world. Plus, it’s just an extra physical workout (yay, exercise!!) for you too 😀

–Go home.

You may want to begin with only one store per trip, until you & Baby have built up a comfy routine. You’ll soon figure out what works best for you, and will be writing your own tips.

Again, these are just my suggestions.  Things that have worked for me.  I wanted to get them written down before Baby 3 enters the picture and just shatters this nice illusion…ha ha!

But What About The Children??

A friend & I were chatting this evening.  She was venting (mostly) about the situation with her 6-month old and both sets of his grandparents.  Poor Momma is being smothered and overrun by these eager grandparents.  She’s grateful that they’re there in her son’s life.  She’s happy that that her son is surrounded by a ton of love.  But her annoyance–the adults seem to lack discretion when it comes to boundaries.

They second guess many of her parenting choices and decisions.  Sometimes they show up to the house, unannounced (they have their own key), looking to spend time with the grandson, with no regard to his schedule.  Momma may be trying to put him down to sleep and they start to question why he’s sleeping (because he shouldn’t be tired yet, for some unknown reason) or if he’s too hot/cold, if he’s being fed enough, and just want to keep holding and playing with him.  By this time, he’s overly fussy.  So, Momma takes him up to sleep….and the eager grandparents follow, this time wanting to watch him sleep. 

At what point can she say something to them?  She wants to be kind, yet firm.  She also needs to have her wishes respected and doesn’t want to be viewed as insulting or ungrateful.

**sigh**  I had no answers.  This situation resurfaces over and over, across the vast spectrum of culture and generations.   And this very issue is a major source of contention among numerous parent vs grandparent relationships.  While the kids usually come out okay in the end, its the adults who are often left scarred and resentful.  The safer thing is for one group to step up and “be the bigger man”, so to speak–to lovingly put a stop to things and work on repairing the relationship.  Ironically, that’s also viewed as a weakness, almost as if you’re caving in.

The other reason why I had no easy solution is because I don’t have the same issue.  I thank God that my children’s grandparents are reasonable people.  They do not overstep their boundaries.  They are grandparents and are glad for that role.  Child-rearing is long behind them.  It’s my turn now to do my best.  Of course, they’re there for me whenever I have questions or need advice or someone to watch the girls.  If they don’t agree with something I’m doing, they tell me later–privately, away from the ears of their precious grandbabies.  They may not comprehend my every action/choice/decision, however they do their best to show respect.  But part of parenting is knowing when to let go and watching your children take off.  All you can do is stand back and pray that all goes well. 

If I could, I’d probably tell pushy grandparents this:

Dear eager, yet pushy grandparents;


We appreciate you, truly.  We’re thankful for the way you’ve raised us and the many life lessons and values you’ve instilled in us from childhood.  Now we have a chance to pass on this knowledge and love to our own child(ren).  This is the point where you can ease back from child-rearing.  You’ve done your job, now let us do ours.  Please stop questioning our choices and decisions that we make as parents.  We do have the best interests of our young one at heart, as you once did years ago with us.  Our son/daughter needs to grow up respecting us and our authority. Should you have questions/concerns, please remember to bring them up to us privately and not in front of the child(ren).  As parents, we need to develop our own methods in life, which may involve the occasional flub.  You’re welcome to visit, after calling first.  We want our son/daughter to have their own special relationship with you on their own.  We do not want their childhood memories to always consist of mom, dad & grandparents looking over their shoulders.  Babies sense tension and can feel when the atmosphere isn’t right in their little environments.  We know you love your grandchild and want the best for him/her.  When you look to put the child(ren) ahead of yourselves, we trust that you’ll make the right choice and give us the room we need to grow. 


Thank you for respecting our wishes,
Love Your Son & Daughter

My fellow Momma–keep your head up.  Keep trying with the grandparents.  Your son will learn lots from watching your reaction to his grandparents. 

If there’s no progress soon, change the locks to your house.  That’ll buy you some time.