A friend & I were chatting this evening. She was venting (mostly) about the situation with her 6-month old and both sets of his grandparents. Poor Momma is being smothered and overrun by these eager grandparents. She’s grateful that they’re there in her son’s life. She’s happy that that her son is surrounded by a ton of love. But her annoyance–the adults seem to lack discretion when it comes to boundaries.
They second guess many of her parenting choices and decisions. Sometimes they show up to the house, unannounced (they have their own key), looking to spend time with the grandson, with no regard to his schedule. Momma may be trying to put him down to sleep and they start to question why he’s sleeping (because he shouldn’t be tired yet, for some unknown reason) or if he’s too hot/cold, if he’s being fed enough, and just want to keep holding and playing with him. By this time, he’s overly fussy. So, Momma takes him up to sleep….and the eager grandparents follow, this time wanting to watch him sleep.
At what point can she say something to them? She wants to be kind, yet firm. She also needs to have her wishes respected and doesn’t want to be viewed as insulting or ungrateful.
**sigh** I had no answers. This situation resurfaces over and over, across the vast spectrum of culture and generations. And this very issue is a major source of contention among numerous parent vs grandparent relationships. While the kids usually come out okay in the end, its the adults who are often left scarred and resentful. The safer thing is for one group to step up and “be the bigger man”, so to speak–to lovingly put a stop to things and work on repairing the relationship. Ironically, that’s also viewed as a weakness, almost as if you’re caving in.
The other reason why I had no easy solution is because I don’t have the same issue. I thank God that my children’s grandparents are reasonable people. They do not overstep their boundaries. They are grandparents and are glad for that role. Child-rearing is long behind them. It’s my turn now to do my best. Of course, they’re there for me whenever I have questions or need advice or someone to watch the girls. If they don’t agree with something I’m doing, they tell me later–privately, away from the ears of their precious grandbabies. They may not comprehend my every action/choice/decision, however they do their best to show respect. But part of parenting is knowing when to let go and watching your children take off. All you can do is stand back and pray that all goes well.
If I could, I’d probably tell pushy grandparents this:
Dear eager, yet pushy grandparents;
We appreciate you, truly. We’re thankful for the way you’ve raised us and the many life lessons and values you’ve instilled in us from childhood. Now we have a chance to pass on this knowledge and love to our own child(ren). This is the point where you can ease back from child-rearing. You’ve done your job, now let us do ours. Please stop questioning our choices and decisions that we make as parents. We do have the best interests of our young one at heart, as you once did years ago with us. Our son/daughter needs to grow up respecting us and our authority. Should you have questions/concerns, please remember to bring them up to us privately and not in front of the child(ren). As parents, we need to develop our own methods in life, which may involve the occasional flub. You’re welcome to visit, after calling first. We want our son/daughter to have their own special relationship with you on their own. We do not want their childhood memories to always consist of mom, dad & grandparents looking over their shoulders. Babies sense tension and can feel when the atmosphere isn’t right in their little environments. We know you love your grandchild and want the best for him/her. When you look to put the child(ren) ahead of yourselves, we trust that you’ll make the right choice and give us the room we need to grow.
Thank you for respecting our wishes,
Love Your Son & Daughter
My fellow Momma–keep your head up. Keep trying with the grandparents. Your son will learn lots from watching your reaction to his grandparents.
If there’s no progress soon, change the locks to your house. That’ll buy you some time.