As we passed each other in the center aisle after worship one day, an older friend bent low to whisper something to me. I thought he was stopping to say hello. Instead, his words chilled me.
‘You don’t need to gain any more weight. You’re big enough already, okay?’
Based on the smile and the pleasant sing-songy way he spoke, he believed that he was being helpful.
He was so far off the mark.
In that moment, I didn’t feel like a ten. In fact, my already fragile self-esteem plummeted from ten to below zero faster than the steepest roller coaster drop on record.
I didn’t know how to respond, and certainly not with any shred of kindness in that moment. I pasted on a fake smile and walked away.
I wish I could tell you that this happened in my childhood or teenage years, and that life improves drastically once you grow up into adulthood. I can’t. I was already an adult by then.
This moment was one of many in which I felt less than a ten. I’ve tried to shrug off the feelings of being ‘lesser than’. It’s easier to hide behind the lens of a camera than to be caught in a photo. Clothes shopping for the kids? No problem. Clothes shopping for myself? No thank you!
Yet, in addition to feeling like next to nothing, I was also treating myself as though I wasn’t much of anything. It’s enough that my career status, gender, income bracket and skin colour don’t make the ideal combination when it comes to my value, in terms of how society views people like me. But if I can’t learn to value myself as I am, then I’m in big trouble.
Romans 12:2 (NLT) says ‘but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think…’ I needed to change my mindset and fast.
Change takes time and progress can seem slow. But it is worth it. I may not always feel like a ten, but I know that I am worth even more than that.
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